Speed-dating!

Last night I did speed dating again. It was at a different location–this time on the Lower East Side of Manhattan.
 

When I arrived at 7:15, the host, Angela, gave me my name tag and told me that my seat was at the bar. When I looked around, I realized that instead of having 18 ottomans and tables scattered around, there were maybe eight tables and the rest of the dating would happen around the metal bar.  I was thrilled that they had seated me in the corner of the bar next to the door; it’s always a great vantage point.

 

There was a lot more ethnic diversity among the participants at this event, there was a Turkish guy, a Korean guy, two Japanese women and a Latina.  Literally two minutes before the event was set to begin, a Hispanic guy with his baseball hat on backwards came in.  Angela said, “Hi, are you here for the event?”

 

He said, “No, I’m here on official business. Is the manager here?”

 

The bartender came over and indicated that he was the manager. Hat-backwards guy said, “It’s that time of year, man…I’m the health inspector. I need to see your permit and liquor license.”

The bartender, Tim, spent the next several minutes looking for his paperwork. I believe that the inspector was there for at least half and hour.  One of my “dates” told me that the inspector was peeking into the sugar bags. Those rat turds can be ANYWHERE.

 

And now for our contestants!

 

Bachelor #1: This bachelor reminded me of Mark LaMura, the actor who played Erica Kane’s/Susan Lucci’s brother on AMC.  After deciding that he was geographically undesirable, I sidetracked him into telling me about his two young kids. He seemed like a very sweet guy, but I can’t imagine dating someone who does fence estimates for a living. What do you talk about after work…Tom Sawyer?

 

Bachelor #2 This guy looked like he had stepped out of a time warp.  He looked closer to 60 to me, but what do I know. The time warp problem was that he was wearing a button down shirt with the top three buttons undone. There was a heavy gold chain nestled around his neck.  I am always mystified by this look. “Look around you,” I want to shriek, “do you not see that NO ONE else sports this style anymore and you are making yourself look like a fossil?”  Men whose style peaked in the 70s are a terrible embarrassment.

 

Bachelor #3:  I had a lot of difficulty communicating with this guy. He was Turkish and he had a very heavy accent.  I was explaining about the work I do about evaluating videos to help mothers learn how to feed their children. “Oh, that’s all instinctive. Women know how to do that automatically.” Um, OK. Thanks,  Moron. I love how these boys have such enlightened ideas about women. This one told me that he hadn’t matched up with anyone at the least speed-dating and I wasn’t surprised. I have one word of advice for Mr.
Turkey: Prostitute, dude.

 

Bachelor #4:  He was clearly not from here because he was drinking a pastel-colored martini drink, perhaps an Apple-tini.  Native-born white guys do not drink pastel colored drinks unless they are gay. I spent much of my six minutes trying to guess his accent, which turned out to be Trinidadian.  Peter was either white or Albino and that confused me, since I have never met a white “Trini” before.  He was very handsome, and quite effete.

 

Bachelor #5: With a name like his, he could only be an Israeli.  He came over and after the introductions gazed at me and said, “You look very intelligent.”  I said, “What makes you think that?”  He said, “You seem to think after everything I say.”  I used to say that people said that I look smart because I wore glasses, but I wasn’t wearing them last night. There went my theory. We talked about my job and his job and after a couple more of my probing questions he said, “You know, I think you could work for the Mossad” [Israeli Secret Service].  I think that this is the best pickup line I ever heard in my life.  He also explained that he was aware that Israeli men have a bad rep, but that HE is very enlightened. We’ll see about that.

 

Bachelor #6:  This was a scrawny little nebbish of a guy, who does some sort of “software architecture” work. I asked him if his job has to do with how the software interfaces with an operating system and he seemed a little non-plussed. I may be ignorant, but I try to sound intelligent when I’m with strangers.

That’s all the news for now.  I’ll post the other seven dates if/when I have energy.

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